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I wish
there weren't difficult people. I wish I weren't allergic to the
emotional toxin they spread. I wish they didn't sometimes make my mind
go in circles and my stomach go to ulcers.
Maybe
if I had the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon, I wouldn't be
irritated. But since I live in the liver of life I must learn to make
friends with the crocodiles. I must seek to make rainbows in the midst
of other people's thunder.
"It
isn't always what you must do but it is always what you must become," a
wise old minister once said to me. "Compassion Is an empathetic brief
exchange of souls."
It has not always been easy to follow his advice. Dealing with DPs (difficult people) .. takes a great deal of generous understanding.
It is much easier to become one ourselves.
One
of the difficult folk I met on this road of life had an anger that
seemed to be a living thing. Then 1 learned that on a terrible, black,
bleak day he was convicted of a crime he didn't commit. Later on he was
set free. Except he wasn't free. The bars of bitterness still held him.
My finding out did not change his behavior. But it changed mine. 1
became more patient with his outbursts.
DPs come In all shapes
Early
in my ministry I asked myself, "When am I most difficult?" When 1 knew I
had gotten that tone in my voice or that look on my face I would remind
myself that when
people irritated me, I too could show it.
A friend told me once, "Neil, we ministers can be patiently judgmental and that can be as bad or worse than a vocal eruption,"
DPs
come in all kinds of emotional shapes and sizes. Most are splinters,
not marathon runners. Wait them out until they run out of fuel. "Build
on resolve and not regret," cautioned Adlai Stevenson. Some blame and
bluster at the top of their lungs. Some sneer softly and drip sarcasm.
Others seem innocuous in their complaints but beneath lies a seething
anger.
It
took me a while to learn to recognize early and handle the problems
while they were still manageable. This meant a constant tuning and
retuning of my antennae.
I
soon found that questions rather than direct statements could smooth
the edges of any debate or argument. "Would you please explain?" got the
same answer as an argumentative reaction; it just wasn't as heated.
Dialogue
I also noticed that by initiating dialogue I could show concern and gain
insight. "John, it seems we have been at odds recently." The
implication was that things had been better in the past. This was
sometimes a stretch but a worthy one. "Is it something I did? Something I
said?" I'd then speak of "stumbling blocks," a term which has a better
connotation than words such as "problem," "trouble," "difficulty,.
"disagreement." "What I really meant" (explanation). "I can see how you feel" (understanding). I'd often use "us· and "we."
If verbal
dialogue didn't seem immediately appropriate, a written note helped.
"Dear John/Jane, I've been thinking a lot about what you said and you
have a number of good points (praise). However, I wonder if you've
considered (my idea). As your friend and pastor (positive affirmation), I
need your friendship and our ability to be able to agree to sometimes
disagree. I'd like to sit down and talk. I'll call within the next few
days (too long a wait isn't good). 1 hope we can work out a time to meet
soon. Your servant in Christ."
Not
all respond as Christian brothers and sisters. Some people really are
permanent DPs. At such times when friendship is hopeless, friendliness
is not.
I remember with regret a member in one of my churches who had been my friend and became my avowed enemy. I tried dialogue.
He refused. [ dropped notes. [ received no answer. To this day I do not know why he disliked me. [ only know that since I could not put out the fire, I tried not to fan it.
While
still in the seminary, I had a small church in a county seat. Before my
first Sunday I was warned about one of the elders. I was told he was
always an argument waiting to hap
pen.
So I met him with fear and trepidation. I was even a little on the
defensive every time he opened his mouth. And because I expected the
worst from him, before too long I got. it. I had not yet learned the old English proverb. "Make not the sauce
till you have caught the fish."
Humor
A
sense of humor helps. "Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a
singing bird will come," counsels the ancient Chinese proverb. Overcome
negative feelings toward the DPs of the world with the wisdom of wit.
Even if you do not always find spring. it will help you to withstand the
winter of their discontent.
An
officer in another of my churches was against almost everything. At
each meeting he would begin a tirade against something. As his voice
rose and his eyes darkened, I would visualize a large bucket of liquid
love.
In
my mind's eye I would pick up that bucket, walk over and slowly pour
its entire contents over his head. I imagined watching the fluid love
form puddles at his feet. And I would begin to smile inwardly at the
ludicrousness of the whole affair.
As
I grew older and my experience deepened, I learned that a closed mouth
gathers no foot! That is, having less to say gives less chance for one's
foot to enter one's mouth! This is why [ increasingly sought in all my
relationships to soothe problems rather than stir them.
I
now know all rumbles cannot be quieted. I truly wish they could be. But
I also know I cannot remind myself too often that "when there is a
problem, don't be one."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
. (Quote from Wyrick'sWritings)
Click below to go to site
Unfortunately,
I have lost the name of the author of the following story, but it could
have been written by many. And I am not recommending poverty when I
share it, but listen deep and think about the message it sends
“Take
somebody who knows what it means to walk to school with a lunch wrapped
up in a little brown greasy bag; somebody who knows what it means to be
required to move but nowhere to move to; somebody who knows what it
means to be forced to pay up but with nothing to pay down; somebody who
knows what it means to wet their pillows with the midnight dew.
“Take somebody like that, and you will find passion, you will find feeling. For people like that, God is real; they live on the edge. Life is not boring for those who know they are needy.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Click
on the URL below to WATCH NEIL IN HIS WORLD FAMOUS ONE MAN
DRAMATIZATIONS OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, BEN FRANKLIN, CHARLES WESLEY AND
MARTIN LUTHER
To Order and Read Neil's 9th book THE SPIRITUAL ABRAHAM LINCOLN
GO TO amazon.com
QUOTES ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL INSPIRING INFORMATIVE book
STILL RECEIVING RAVE REVIEWS 8 YEARS AFTER IT'S PUBLICATION.
"Positive,
powerful utterances...skillfully enhancing our understanding and
appreciation of Lincoln while revealing the Divine source of his
strength."
Lt. Colonel C.A. Olsen (Ret.) Asbury College (Professor Ret.)
"The Spiritual Abraham Lincoln is an
extremely well written book that investigates what might be termed the
spiritual side of President Lincoln. It's both scholarly and very
readable. I came away impressed at Mr. Wyrick's portrayal of the
President and with an altered and enlarged vision of the man:'
William Hoffman, Award winning fiction writer; author of Blood and Guile, and Wild Thorn
"Wyrick
has authored a wonderful examination of the spirituality of one of
American history's most devoutly religious leaders...a pleasant and
readable book that has a rich depth of information."
Maynard Pittendreigh Presbyterian minister
"When
it comes to invoking religion in support of any of their decisions,
politicians need to sit at the feet of Abraham Lincoln. Reinhold Niebuhr
once called him 'America's greatest theologian.' Why so great? Because
he invariably distinguished between human works and the works of the
Almighty. As Wyrick
says, 'He wore the mantle of humility easily: because he was more
impressed with what God was doing in the world than with what he,
president of the United States in the midst of an awful crisis, was
doing. That is why in his last major speech he distinguished between
both human causes in the Civil War and the Almighty's 'own purposes.'
Lincoln would have agreed that it is better to leave God-talk out of
politics than to decorate human proposals with divinity. This is a book
for our American time. Through his careful study of Lincoln's career,
Wyrick compels us to remember that piety belongs in politics only when piety transcends politics."
Dr. Donald W. Shriver
Emeritus professor at Union Theological Seminary in New York. Author of An Ethic for Enemies: Forgiveness in Politics
"v. Neil
Wyrick's fine work allows the reader to appreciate Abraham Lincoln's
Christian commitment and his prophetic role in American history. Should
have a wide readership."
James H. Smylie Professor of Church History (Ret.) Union Theological Seminary, Richmond, Virginia
"Neil Wyrick's The Spiritual Abraham Lincoln should be read
by anyone attempting to understand the man who was probably the most
complex person to ever hold the office of president of the United
States. Dr. Wyrick is intent on demonstrating that the spirituality so
often expressed in Lincoln's writings and speeches was not merely lip
service to a Deity, but rather expressions of a profound faith in a real
God. It was this faith that provided the wisdom, compassion, insight
and sometimes steel that Lincoln would need in full measure
as he led the United States through the Civil War. Dr. Wyrick's clear
and unpretentious style of presentation is very much in keeping with the
character ofhis subject, and in so doing, Wyrick makes his point very
well that Lincoln, his beliefs, and the faith that formed them, are as
relevant to a troubled America in 2004 as they were in 1863."
Daniel Allen Butler, author of "Unsinkable"; The Full Story of the RMS Titanic, The Lusitania and The Age o f Cunard
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